ok well letz c...its been...hm...quite a while..n i think im bak...i might write dis one entry n juss 4get about xanga again or i might stay..idk...well huge update...so i live in FL now because of ma twisted evil half sister...ughk im ashamed 2 even say sister...i hate dat bitch so fuckin much...so pretty much i had 2 leave da best person in da world behind..ma best friend diLu<3...it fuckin suxx...we did everythin 2getha..da last time i saw her...b4 i moved down here...we were in da 86st train station...it juss happened 2 quick..it was so hard 2 pretend like it was ok n smile...but i had 2 stay strong cuz i didnt wanna c her cry..i really didnt want us 2 cry it juss woulda made everythin harder..so yea ive realized a lot of things..ive wasted a shyt load of ma time of ppl dat dont even fuckin matter...n im mad at maself 4 dat...but hey da past made me who i am 2day n im happy wit maself [4 da most part]..ok so i have a boyfriend...its been u can say.almoooost 2 yrz...well we've been doin da whole long distance thing...i really care about him..more den any1 would understand...n its cuz he different...hes unlike da rest...he really truly cares n loves me n shows me all da time..its nice...well 2 bad everythin is fucked up now...well wateva...diff story...so yea i seem 2 make lots n lots n lots of mistakes n im sick of it...i fuckin hate it...i feel like ive lost everythin in da world...im always wishin sooo freakin hard...dat ma life could b life how t was b4 i moved here...i was actually happy...i had da greatest best friend in da world..a man...well i coulda been doin betta in school if i had cared but it seemed like everythin was startin 2 fall into place...n it sucks cuz i juss want 2 b bak in brooklyn so bad in ma lil hellhole apartment...but u c...i loved it because it was MY hellhole...so now im stuck wit all these friggin ppl...i dont like them n dey definitely dont like me..i dont fit in because honestly..not tryna b cocky..but all of these pl r fake/stupid/n so much more..dey disgust me n im sry i juss think new york ppl r da realest...i hate dis place so much..i hate racism n im around it a lot now..i feel like im livin in da freakin 1800s...n anotha thing dat sux...i push everyone away...i dont kno y da hell i do it...its one of ma flaws...i guess i do it 2 kinda protect maself..like da way i stopped goin 2 school after i foundout i was movin here...i juss felt it would b easier 2 leave if i saw less of dem...i didnt want 2 make things harder den dey were...so yea im doin ma best in school..buh i dont feel accomplished...i got A's da whole year but da thing is..is freakin fL...dey mad dumb down south...school is WAY easier down here..buh yea i took ma SATs n didnt do all dat great so i feel stupid...n of course ma family helps..tellin me how im stupid n can neva do shyt right...mi momz commented on how i havent done shyt da whole year n i was like i got like 95 n up in every single class wat da hell...buh den again like i said...its easy down here...plus i juss cnt make no1 proud...so yea ma family..thinks i got no goals..thinks im a stupid ass grl...n doesnt kno how ma future is gonna b...well its ok because i dont want dem 2 kno me..i wanna do wat i gotta do on ma own...i dont like 2 b judged...n i kno 4 a facttttt im NOT da onli person who feels dat way..so yea...ma future is fuckin bright n i know dat...i juss gotta show em..but yea wat else did i leave out on ma update...o well i guess i could say ive changed...im not as talkative/outgoing/silly...i am from time 2 time...wen im on da phone wit ma real pplz yea...but naw normally down here...i juss changed...ppl not as nice down here...no1 greets each otha wit a hug n kiss..i was used 2 dat n now i dont do dat...buh wen i go bak ill b da same old me hopefully...i dont like isolatin maself...but i do it unintentionally...n u kno its bad wen ma parents tryna get me 2 go outside cuz ma prob always was dat i would always b outside...n damn did i have such great times..but it bothers me soo much...n i hate feelin wa im feelin right now..i dont kno wat 2 call da feelin...its like a huge combo of anger/frustration/sadness/loneliness/etc etc etc....i dont kno man..i hate da word depressed...i think it sounds so horrible...n i dont admit im depressed..even if i kno i am..but now..may b da first time admittin n damn do i feel weird...so yea...ive been depressed...ive pushed everybody far away...i dont call anybody...da only person ill call is Lik...i mean i wanna talk 2 dilu but she doesnt even like talkin on da phone...n we have awkward moments n i hate dat...but u kno we neva talked on da phone really besides tellin each otha 2 go outside so we can chill..so its not somethin we're used 2...me n her...we're more like a face 2 face person...i wish i had someone dat was somehowwww similar 2 her..buh ill neva find anotha chick like her...damn dat sounds homo n lama but its true...shes really sumthin special...i mean i love sajia n all...n i strongly believe dat out of me chumki n sajia...she puts me last...n chumki first so sajia obviously in da middle...well now its fliped i guess...well chumki shoulda called more often...n now i feel like i should call...well i did...no answer..house or cell...hasnt been on myspace..n ive written comments n messages but i think da lines r cut idk...hopefully we get in touch b4 i get down there..i cnt wait 2 c her...i juss wish dat every minute wasnt so precious n pressed...wish it was like b4..i dont think we'll eva have one of those days where we can juss sit around n b like im boreddddd....wat i would do 2 have dat again...uGHKKK! dat shyt juss frustrates me because i KNOW it wont happen so y da hell do i kee hopin 4 somethin dat wont happen? i feel like im settin maself up 2 ge disappointed..im tearin maself apart n beatin maself up ova dis..im not ova da fact dat i moved..i hate dis place so much...i dont have anyone dat truly cares 4 me..i mean yea ma parents but its diff...theres nobody who can comfort me..dey're fuckin lame down here...dey deff dont got ma bak cuz dey pussy buh its okie cuz i could handle maself..i dont need nobody but u kno its nice 2 have dat person there..juss knowin dat dey there...n dilu was always there...always....we've been through so much...its funny how we used 2 hate each otha wen we were little...i cant imagine not havin her in ma life...i really do hope we're roomies 4 college but idk if its gonna happen..dat would b da coolest eva! we could go singin n dancin in da rain wenevaaaa...go buy madd junk food n eat it =] chill like crzy n find more 'saladz' haha n of course have serious times wen we do our work n get shyt down...well i guess 2 me its like a dream...hope itll come true...its so frustratin knowin dat u haddd something dat everyoneeeee freakin wants n den fuckin ppl take dat shyt away from u...tear it away....everybodys dream is 2 b in nY n go 2 school there get a job there n shyt...i HAD dat...n i had it taken away..y? its not fuckin fair...n yes i kno theres madddd ppl out there who r goin thru way worse n serious shyt...buh dis 4 me is ma worst...well no...ma life..is one hell of a story...buh dis...dont make anythin betta...u kno..i had a fucked up childhood n all...but i honestly have neva been dis upset n unhappy..eva...n im bein 4real...so datz bad i guess...well wateva...dis shyt is 2 long n damn i guess it got me emotional n honestly yea i felt like i was gonna cry writin dis 'book' but i think it kinda helped...i feel i wee bit less tense...well yea...i wish dis was all juss a really bad nightmare...

yooooo yesterday was fun...i liked da end tha most lol...me n dilu went wit our families together...well all girls...sajia's family was there but we wasnt wit them...yeah so me n dilu sat in the grass n ate chips n watched the fireworks at shore road....then we went walkin an after an hour we left....as soon as we were near my block u heard fireworks...it was hot though them bitches we hate were doin it...when we got to our block everyone sat n started talkin then nadine did fireworks it was maddd hott....there was like 10 or more....real pretty...then she did it again but it was different but so fuckin loud....we heard people doin it from the schoolyard too...schoolyards a block away...so from three places they were doin it at once...it was hott....then everyone went home except me dilu loti n our moms...our moms were talkin n crackin up in there own corner...we chilled in front of the buildings....actually no...we fought lol...play fight...u would think it was serious if we werent laughin lol...i love loti....shes so feisty n cute...she messes wit ppl around my age while shes ten....shes dilu's baby sister....yeah yo...wow...ofcourse i won in the fight lol...then we were puttin chalk on each other from our hands...we smeared it onto each other...we kinda bitchslapped eachotha while putting it on each otha's face...mad funny...then after a while we went home...i talked to Jovan at home..everytime he picks up he says sumtin different...he never sas juss hello....he goes hey baby or how u doin or somethin else...we talked for a lil...i was like yo im out i juss wantedto say g-nite n happy 4th a July n he was like alrite imma come see u tomorrow n i was like u r? n he was like yeah wat u gon give me if i come n i was like wat u want n then he was like when i see u ill tell u...it betta not b nuttin nasty or bad or nuttin....i doubt it cause it's Jovan...then i was like ok yeah im leavin to Bangladesh in two weeks n i wanna see u b4 i leave...he was like yeah im comin tomorrow n ill see u after that too b4 u leave...i was like ok then i was like alrite good night n he was like good nite dream of me i was laughin n i was like i will then we kept sayin goodnight n bye...we both didnt wanna hang up...then we finally hung up n i went to bed....oh yeah b4 i talked to him i ate mango...it was good lmao...yeah yo i juss found out last week that imma go to Bangladesh...i dont know if im mad or happy...i really wanted to spend this summer doin crazy shit wit ma friends...guess that aint happenin...well we didnt get tha tickets yet...my moms gon try today or suttin...i dunno man...its so weird...yesterday i asked her r we goin 100% n she was like if Allah takes us then yes n i was like ohhhh....she told me to help her start fuckin packin...oh well...i aint gon believe im goin to B-desh until im on the fuckin plane...wooooow....newayz im out...too much on my mind...~love~ peace out